I'm getting sick of the double standards

I know I promised myself I wouldn't post about negative things, but geez.

I can't keep building myself up for failure.

It's not like I wanted to pursue this guy. I just saw him as a guy who gives me hope that guys are actually deep and down to earth. But what does he do? He asks out a girl who has a boyfriend because she's perfect in every other aspect...mostly her expertise in flirting.

It would be so much easier if I believed what she's selling herself as too, but she manipulates and tells me directly.

I didn't think he'd fall for that kind of act. Doesn't leave much room for hope in the male population.

And what is it with the whole idea that until you're ready to settle down, you won't date a girl you'd end up married to? If the girl they want to marry is standing right in front of them, they'll completely pass her up so they can have their fun beforehand. You want us to be virgins, but you want to have fun. It's all so cheap. I'm being cynical, but come on.

recent developments

Shall I attempt my usual list format?

Well for starters, I'm pretty stoked that I had made the Dean's List...and so did my sister *proud of her*.

My first newspaper as Editor of the Arts and Entertainment section came out and I pulled it off rather well.

The next one I'm starting layout on Friday with a columnist and new feature I created *crosses fingers*.

I have a new crush, and we'll see how that develops in time (:

My best friend and I are doing rather swimmingly, it's nice to start all over and to have been completely genuine from the start.

My best friends from high school haven't really been as close as I want, and it's mostly my fault...downer ):

I got news that if I don't get my guardianship turned over to my dad, I won't be able to afford school next year, but the lawyer is all up on that mess.

And yeah, that's really about it for now.

Life is good regardless of some minor setbacks. I'm happier now than ever and everyday I think of how precious life is. Praise be to God.

Well hello there new year.

The new year is two days in and I feel as if I rang it in right. My best friend from college was here with me to watch t.v., drink sparkling grape juice, and talk till 5am. We made a pretty nice list of things to do this year that are realistic and fabulous. So yeah, a good start.

I feel that I need to blog more about things, but I'm not going to be negative at all anymore. No more tortured, ridiculous poetry. Just the best things that I am feeling or that is happening to me. So many things have happened this past year that I wouldn't want to relive, but I feel that the most important things were also the happiest. That is the way I want to see things-as completely optimistic as I can. I'm a mix of a realist and a dreamer, I let my emotions get the best of me but bottle them up all at once. But that's just the way I work, and I can accept it, but strive to make the best of what I am and have.

Things happen for a reason. Even when I don't understand that reason.

So here it goes, welcome back in.

I miss you

Well, I've decided to start posting here again. I'm not going to let the old feelings hinder me. It's a different time in my life right now. I'm learning all sorts of things about myself and feel the need to record it here.

I'm discontinuing this blog

insert clever title here

It's been awhile, hasn't it? So very much has happened. I graduated back in May, and my college plans fell apart before my eyes rendering me helpless. I pulled together a new plan and am pretty content with it so far though. I can't even begin to describe all the changes, positive and negative, I've dealt with this summer. Most of my writing energy has been thrust into a new project of mine that in which my best girl friend is sharing in the experience. I'm writing letters to many people who have affected me the most throughout my life. It's a soul cleansing type thing for me. However, these people will never read the letters, the journal will be left in a public place far from home in which case any stranger can pick it up and take a gander. I'm leaving a letter to that person in the front, telling him/her the reason for this and that it should not be returned to me (in fact, there's no trace of a way to return it). Maybe this person will have been fated to take the journal, or maybe it will just sit there and deteriorate, become part of the earth. I just want some closure, a release back into the universe all my feelings pent up. Anyway, I most likely won't be blogging much till my letters are complete and I've gotten settled in my dorm at Piedmont. This new chapter of life is filled with mixed emotions, but I'm absolutely willing to take it on.

In the case of Verona vs. Stratford, a dispute of matters of the heart.

"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick-- it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh -- even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - - not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." -Kat Stratford

You, Sir, are Patrick Verona in some ways and I hate it. The only difference is that you didn't get paid to be with me and we don't end up together in the end.
I know I didn't make up what happened, you were really there, you really said all those things, you really held me like that, but you made it seem like it was all fabricated-that you didn't want me to get the wrong idea about your feelings. Douchebag. I don't hear from you in months and all the sudden you think it's ok to hug me like that, to do the middle-school-dance-hug? Bullshit. Once again, I don't know what to think...you're not the only reason I'm so conflicted, you just added to it, thanks alot jerk. The saddest part is that I still care. I shouldn't, but I do and I hate you for it, but not really...oh hell. Way to go Hillary, way to be a crybaby, way to over-analyze yet again...damn.

A Cosmic Love

a simple smile, a laugh, and touch of the hand and it all floods back
making me lose sight of everything else, my focus fading to black
save the one emotion that seems to have swallowed me
the price has been paid before, this high isn't free
is this the work of Fate like how the stars realign to perfection or
am I on a merry-go-round chasing the reflection in the mirror
I was a tide that ruined the love letter we wrote together in the sand
so how can there ever be a time you'll want to hold my hand
the foolishness of a twisted confusion that lead to this demise
can't be forgotten even though the love never faded from my eyes
my very best memory, a night always remembered is of you, it's true
but with all this past tragedy I can't possibly expect anything from you
I wish for this spark to become a flame, I'll give it my best
the candle may be dim, but I hold it up to all the rest
I wish to declare it with all the strength my lungs allow, the details of the fall
but I find myself as Thisbe whispering through the wall
a heart, a soul enraptured by the thought of being as one again
even if it fails once more I'll keep in locked in my heart forever, till the end.

all that's left are the sugar crystals

Seeing as though this is about my current stress level, please don't mock me for not having the stamina to completely transform this into a cookie model of my life. Coherent sentences are out of the question, so here's a haphazard list.

school: pro-almost over, con-almost over
relationships: pro-close friends, con-close friends
home: pro-n/a con-everything
procrastination: pro-time to do (useless) stuff, con-time to do useless stuff

confusion level from 1 to punching stuff: fist through the wall
stress level from 1 to meltdown: fetal position

title in progress...

It's Summer,
and the excitement is as hot as the July sun that beats down on the one who burns easy, but loves the tan anyway.
It's Fall,
and the mystery is as vibrant as the October leaves that float down about the one who fights the wind, but loves being outdoors anyway.
It's Winter,
and the feeling is as frozen as the January river that streams from the eye of the one who catches a cold, but loves the snow anyway.
It's Spring,
and the hope is as inspiring as the April flowers that bloom around the one who gets rained on, but loves picnics anyway.
It's Constant,
and the cycle is as magical as the New Year that renews the life of the one who lives for love, but doesn't understand anyway.
It's Tragedy,
and the heart is as full as can be-
engulfing the one who can't win anyway.

well turns out

that oreo is double-stuffed and icing just wants to stay in the can. And ohhh double fudge chocolate chip, why must you be so charming and so fattening at the same time. Not to mention oatmeal raisin, which is plain oatmeal one bite and sugary raisin another. It's COOKIE MADNESS!

just a short post to vent my frustration.

What are the consequences

of a sugar cookie saying, hey icing...I know we go together like Sonny and Cher, but I want something more. Sugar cookie is content with just icing for certain moments, but sometimes sugar cookie wants to be a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie-it looks so damn light and is interesting in a different way than the plain but trustworthy icing. Sometimes the excitement of a samoa, which sugar cookie has wanted to be for a long time, or even an oreo, can be overwhelming. If sugar cookie wants to be more than sugar cookie, why just go with icing when there are so many more cookies out there? Why not throw caution to the wind and change completely...just go there instead of playing it safe? Sugar cookie needs the intensity of the double fudge choclate chip cookie every now and then too.

Indecision,

you eat at me and I hate you for it.

There's a cookie. Said cookie doesn't necessarily have to have anything added to it to make it more delectable, it's fine on it's own, but this cookie doesn't like being plain. Yes, sugar cookie. So sugar cookie gets iced and looks better now, but doesn't taste any better than before. Isn't sugar cookie really just selling out for comfort? Besides, icing doesn't even want to be seen hugged up to sugar cookie anyway. Why can't sugar cookie be chocolate chip cookie instead? See, chocolate chips are more rich than just plain old sugar cookie icing and sugar cookie wants to have a more passionate taste and not just a familiar taste. To make it even worse, there are tons of types of cookie more sought after than just plain ol' sugar cookie. Can sugar cookie change though-it's not in sugar cookie's nature to be so daringly savory. Hey, should sugar cookie even be iced at all? Doesn't that take away from sugar cookie's nature too? What's a cookie to do?

new music kick (ramblings cause this is mine and I can)

stellar new music I get to experience [:
any suggestions?
however, I should be rehearsing my damn Hamlet soliloquy. Don't get me wrong, I love reading it, but I'm not a fan of having to recite it "with passion" in front of my classmates. If I weren't getting graded on it, it'd be a piece of cake, but the pressure makes me stutter! ahhhh. Umm, Jordan decided he's signing me up for American Idol next year and I haven't followed it in a looooong time and geez, the judges are tough this year, ha kinda scary for next year, but I'm game, stagefright and all. Ohhh like 10 days till I hear from S.C. chika chika yeah. Beta Beauty Pageant is saturday awwwehh, should be wonderful. Uhhh, oh yeah, we were talking about prom in AP Lit. and Jenna listed the couples and then continued to say "Hillary doesn't have anyone." Ha, my life! So I said I did have a date and everybody got all excited asking who, I said Joe and everyone let out this unison "aww" including Mrs. Batchelor haha. Innnnteresting....Sam was like right there too ha. OH OH OH!!! BACKSTREET BOYS ON JUNE 3RD....I die. Hahaha, I just got a Facebook message from this guy Stan saying "i know this is random but...... you are really hot" ewwwwwww eff my life. Annnnd, I there's this thing I wanna talk about but can't here, so I'm glad Billie is there for me!! Let's go prom dress shopping lady!
I love how shallow my blogs are sounding lately ha, gosh.
that's all for now, that'll do pig.

no reason in particular

-I have this urge to splatter paint all over my walls and paste random pictures to it. Alas, I cannot.
-I need to fax in this damn financial aid stuff, but the rents won't let me go into town due to the snow.
-THE SNOW: love it and hate it, don't want to go to school and don't want to loose spring break, want to see some people and never want to see some people.
-I need to spend a weekend with Megan, cause I miss her. I also need to start looking for a prom dress with Billie!
-I also need to focus more in school, damn senioritis!
-Counting down to:March 15th, Washington, my Birthday, moving out, graduation.

I've got nothing else to say, g'day

I'm the boss, applesauce.

mmmm,randomness in a haphazard list format
*so there was a large, fancy looking envelope on the stairs when I got home today and I was thinking my S.C. packet was here and got MAJORLY excited. Alas, it was something way less important. What a drag.
*my dad's been seriously disturbed for the past few days-one day I got pissed off and had my mad face on and he said "get that Marcie look off your face," Marcie is my biological mother therefore I look like her..."I'm sorry my appearance due to my genetics make you mad!" You know what's not hereditary? Being gay. Yup, he thinks I'm gay, or about to be. Why? Well, I was watching Project Runway and there are gay designers on it so in his mind if I watch those things I must wanna be just like them. Also my sister is gay and I hang out with her, but haven't officially dated anyone since Stephen for various reasons. If he knew about certain extracurricular events that have taken place, then he wouldn't think I'm gay, however I keep that information far away from him because I like being able to breathe, ha.
*oh college stuff, if I get into S.C. I'm not even gonna worry about Columbia cause my guidance counselor STILL! hasn't sent in my transcript though I wrote it down for her AGAIN today, grr.
*I'm pretty sure I'm rid of my stalker! woohoo! Though over the past few days I've come to find out some things about a different person that totally shattered my ideaology about him, which blows....geez, I've known him for 6 years and had no idea he was capable of being that way. Regardless, I will still be his friend.
*Heck yes, I have my expert project theme picked out-had to scrap my original idea-and it's insanity...should be intewesting, vewy, vewy interwesting. (texts to use: As I Lay Dying-Faulkner, Porphyria's Lover-Browing, The Bell Jar-Plath, and maybe even good ol' Hamlet or Ophelia) Also, I did totally wicked on my The Road-Handmaid's Tale paper and the AP Questions I had to make along with it....sooooo glad my writing has picked up!
*Oh entertainment news: I got Star Trek the day it came out and just got around to watching it on my sick day and am now obssesively drawn to Chris Pine [: If you haven't seen Shutter Island, get on it cause it's amazing (though it was similar to a Buffy episode) also, Billie finally brought back my season 2 boxset of Roswell after having it for over a year! Umm, I'm going to Supercross this weekend, so hey, cool beans. Buy-A-Beta is this week so I'm crossing my fingers that no one terrible will buy me, I want it to be fun and painless!

yup that about sums it up for me for now.

Serendipity

is looking for something but finding something else and realizing what you found is better for you than what you wanted in the first place.

So with this on my mind I'm not so scared for the things to come. I had been thinking that maybe going in the direction I am, I might end up all wrong. There's a hope though, however cloudy the future is, I've got it. If I should fail in life based on my current course, hopefully serendipity will make an appearance. Sure, some can say that drudging on without regard and using a magic such as serendipity is reckless and an excuse for such failure, but really not taking a leap of faith can be considered even more reckless.

now I'll leave any semblance of deep thought so I can make this small statement.
I'm pretty much going stir crazy stuck at home forever with the prospect of no spring break, gahh.

I don't wanna write a love song for the world, I just wanna write a song 'bout a boy & a girl

7 Card Stud

You stretch and yawn.
You say you're tired of this,
but you can't stop now,
it's not in your nature to stop.
She can't breathe anymore.
And as her spirit rips from her body,
it takes her heart along-
both crashing to the ground
as the gravity of your presence obliterates them.
She broke the rules by trying to escape.
But there is no pain.
She is firewood burning,
once oaken and now lifeless.
There are no cries of pain,
only the crackling of her bones as you make one last bet.
You ease back for a split second and she's restored,
even more engrossed in you than before.
You gain back her trust simply by making eye contact,
make her think there will be hope,
then turn on her again.
It's all a game to you and she will never win.
You have no eyes, no heart, no soul,
but you're always the champion.
You're the rulemaker.
But something's different this time.
She has a glow about her.
You panic.
The cards you're holding are useless.
She can see it in your face.
Oh Infatuation,
I'm calling your bluff.

The 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon: Lover's Lane Edition

I've been thinking recently about how people throw the "l-word" around so much and realized there are different degrees of love. As long as you can distinguish a difference between them, you're golden. So here's what I've broken it down into, even though the romanticism in me is trying to persuade me to not analyze it, ha.

-Love of an inanimate object, many times similar objects are considered an obsession like in my case:certain television shows, tea, chapstick, ideals (Gibran's philosophy even though I don't know him personally) and words in general, and sometimes to an even greater degree simply by an overwhelming feeling for something (ex. The Fall, a movie that totally floored me.)
-Love of a living creature other than a human such as for a pet.
-Love of friends, typically based on a strong connection but sometimes used as a filler when one person is extremely happy due to the action of a friend.
-Love of someone that has a childish nature, known as puppy love.
-Love of a friend of the opposite sex with some degree of romanticism, actually called philos love.
-Love of a person of the opposite sex with intense romanticism many times confused with infatuation, based on physical connections (pheromones, dopamine levels going crazy) which is reciprocated and called eros love.
-Love deemed unrequited that is similar to an intense eros love which is nonreciprocating to some degree whether by choice, situation, or consequence.
-Love on a spiritual level called agape love, higher than any other degree because it is completely selfless and continuous whether or not reciprocated, the ultimate example being God.