I'm getting sick of the double standards

I know I promised myself I wouldn't post about negative things, but geez.

I can't keep building myself up for failure.

It's not like I wanted to pursue this guy. I just saw him as a guy who gives me hope that guys are actually deep and down to earth. But what does he do? He asks out a girl who has a boyfriend because she's perfect in every other aspect...mostly her expertise in flirting.

It would be so much easier if I believed what she's selling herself as too, but she manipulates and tells me directly.

I didn't think he'd fall for that kind of act. Doesn't leave much room for hope in the male population.

And what is it with the whole idea that until you're ready to settle down, you won't date a girl you'd end up married to? If the girl they want to marry is standing right in front of them, they'll completely pass her up so they can have their fun beforehand. You want us to be virgins, but you want to have fun. It's all so cheap. I'm being cynical, but come on.

recent developments

Shall I attempt my usual list format?

Well for starters, I'm pretty stoked that I had made the Dean's List...and so did my sister *proud of her*.

My first newspaper as Editor of the Arts and Entertainment section came out and I pulled it off rather well.

The next one I'm starting layout on Friday with a columnist and new feature I created *crosses fingers*.

I have a new crush, and we'll see how that develops in time (:

My best friend and I are doing rather swimmingly, it's nice to start all over and to have been completely genuine from the start.

My best friends from high school haven't really been as close as I want, and it's mostly my fault...downer ):

I got news that if I don't get my guardianship turned over to my dad, I won't be able to afford school next year, but the lawyer is all up on that mess.

And yeah, that's really about it for now.

Life is good regardless of some minor setbacks. I'm happier now than ever and everyday I think of how precious life is. Praise be to God.

Well hello there new year.

The new year is two days in and I feel as if I rang it in right. My best friend from college was here with me to watch t.v., drink sparkling grape juice, and talk till 5am. We made a pretty nice list of things to do this year that are realistic and fabulous. So yeah, a good start.

I feel that I need to blog more about things, but I'm not going to be negative at all anymore. No more tortured, ridiculous poetry. Just the best things that I am feeling or that is happening to me. So many things have happened this past year that I wouldn't want to relive, but I feel that the most important things were also the happiest. That is the way I want to see things-as completely optimistic as I can. I'm a mix of a realist and a dreamer, I let my emotions get the best of me but bottle them up all at once. But that's just the way I work, and I can accept it, but strive to make the best of what I am and have.

Things happen for a reason. Even when I don't understand that reason.

So here it goes, welcome back in.

I miss you

Well, I've decided to start posting here again. I'm not going to let the old feelings hinder me. It's a different time in my life right now. I'm learning all sorts of things about myself and feel the need to record it here.

I'm discontinuing this blog

insert clever title here

It's been awhile, hasn't it? So very much has happened. I graduated back in May, and my college plans fell apart before my eyes rendering me helpless. I pulled together a new plan and am pretty content with it so far though. I can't even begin to describe all the changes, positive and negative, I've dealt with this summer. Most of my writing energy has been thrust into a new project of mine that in which my best girl friend is sharing in the experience. I'm writing letters to many people who have affected me the most throughout my life. It's a soul cleansing type thing for me. However, these people will never read the letters, the journal will be left in a public place far from home in which case any stranger can pick it up and take a gander. I'm leaving a letter to that person in the front, telling him/her the reason for this and that it should not be returned to me (in fact, there's no trace of a way to return it). Maybe this person will have been fated to take the journal, or maybe it will just sit there and deteriorate, become part of the earth. I just want some closure, a release back into the universe all my feelings pent up. Anyway, I most likely won't be blogging much till my letters are complete and I've gotten settled in my dorm at Piedmont. This new chapter of life is filled with mixed emotions, but I'm absolutely willing to take it on.

In the case of Verona vs. Stratford, a dispute of matters of the heart.

"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick-- it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh -- even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - - not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." -Kat Stratford

You, Sir, are Patrick Verona in some ways and I hate it. The only difference is that you didn't get paid to be with me and we don't end up together in the end.
I know I didn't make up what happened, you were really there, you really said all those things, you really held me like that, but you made it seem like it was all fabricated-that you didn't want me to get the wrong idea about your feelings. Douchebag. I don't hear from you in months and all the sudden you think it's ok to hug me like that, to do the middle-school-dance-hug? Bullshit. Once again, I don't know what to think...you're not the only reason I'm so conflicted, you just added to it, thanks alot jerk. The saddest part is that I still care. I shouldn't, but I do and I hate you for it, but not really...oh hell. Way to go Hillary, way to be a crybaby, way to over-analyze yet again...damn.