Beneath the stars came falling on our heads

but they're just old light, they're just old light

Ok so, I've been thinking a lot recently about how wonderful it is to have options, but a problem arises when you're as incredibly indecisive as I am. I've been telling everyone, including myself, what I "want" to do, but I realize I'm really not sure. I've been so caught up in the idea I've been pushing for so long, that I really haven't made time to actually think it through. This happens often to me. Being so "spontaneous" is causing some problems, distracting me from things I really, really need to be considering. I'm not sure how to fix it all, and I'm beyond stressed. I'm too young to be this stressed. I need to work on that first and foremost, just yoga's not doing it for me. My home has never been stress conscious with all the mental massacre going on at all times, the whole self-realization that I might be setting my future up completely wrong just adds to that. I'm worn out emotionally. I've got too many issues with certain people to sort all of this out. It's ridiculous and unnessecary. I recently read an article discussing built up toxicity in the heart and mind and how it can seriously affect a person. I'm not a hypochondriac or anything, but my health is declining and I think it's from toxic emotion. I've just got to learn to deal, everyone else seems to be dealing, why can't I? Gahh...that's about it for now.

In Honor of Thanksgiving

Already, my mom has ruined the whole day. So, regardless of her insanity, I'm still thankful for stuff-some normal and some unconventional-of which I shall list.
A savior that means everything to me
The family members who actually reciprocate love
The amazing friends I have that stick with me through and through
The many talented musicians who perform my favorite songs
My favorite poetry and other literary greatness
Great cinematics that get you thinking
Snapple and redhots
My Shakespeare magnets
The fact that even though my iPod's screen is ruined, it still works [:
Being able to find someone or something that can make me happy at any time
Knowing what I want to do with life but still having options
The idea that even though I think I screwed something up, everything's meant to be
Being healthy for most of the year
Having a home away from home or two
Taylor Lautner on the cover of Rolling Stone <3
And I'm sure there's more, but that's my top 15 in no particular order except the first one cause it's always first [:

trapa!

Is there a place where lost things go? And if so, what happens when they're lost in that place? I lose bobby pins, quarters, books, mechanical pencils, socks, CDs, my graphing calculator and wonder where they are. They have to be around somewhere, they couldn't possibly have just simply ceased to exist. What happened can't simply have ceased to exist. What was said and was ignored can't simply cease to exist. That feeling of being wronged in some way, you lose it for a while, but it doesn't go away. It's there, but you forget it for awhile. Even so, you can't lose it completely. But what about that CD you can't find. Where did it go? Is there a giant warehouse somewhere on another plane of being that it transports to? What if you chanced upon that storage place and stumbled in side, making a path through forgotten, lost, indescribable treasures. Now imagine finding that Foreginer (or insert your genre of choice) CD! You set it down, eager to explore, but when you get back to where you think you left it, it's gone. Where does it go then? Among the multitude of random objects I seem to lose everyday, I've lost some experiences that I don't want to ever be found, but there are some that I wish could've come full circle before being lost forever. So making way for new things, we forget the old, but it's always there, hidden under the countless chapters read, the array of trivia discovered, the scattered words yet to be spoken, for all of our life. Where do these things go? Would you want to find them? What would you do with them? I don't know, myself. I'm sure none of that makes sense and it's extremely redundant, but I felt the need to rant a while metaphorically, so there.

shapeshift

I am the treasure chest buried deep beneath the sand
I am the tree, roots one with the land
I am the ripple of a pebble 'cross the water
I am the pulse of a rebellious daughter
I am the gull soaring towards the sun
I am the motive behind a loaded gun
I am the cloud, no one sees me the same
I am the player trapped in the game
I am the driftwood, a ship long since battered
I am the homeless, hungry, clothes tattered
I am the mindset of holding it all together
I am the bird tied to a flock of the same feather
I am the gold, red, orange of fall
I am the chipped face of a China doll
I am the feeling behind a sigh
I am the secret covered by a lie
I am the night scattered with stars
I am the story behind all your scars
I am the wind dancing over the plains
I am the track safely guiding the trains
I am the With Love, at the end of a letter
I am the hope that he'll never forget her

The Show Must Go On

Puer aeternus

Ways To Live a Fairytale::

Kiss passing amphibians, just in case
Wear your hair in braids, curled up over your head
Have a conversation with your mirror as you’re getting ready in the morning
Go apple picking in an orchard
Wear silver bells tied to your ankles
Grow wild roses and jasmine in your garden
Leave milk and honey out for the Faeries
Pluck daisy petals, ‘He loves me.. he loves me not’
Sing old disney tunes in the bath
Celebrate May day, wear flowers in your hair and bathe in the morning dew
Bring a basket of fresh cookies to your grandmother
Give yourself a secret name that noone else knows
Wear glittery shoes of silver or ruby red
Go for a moonlight walk on the beach and look for mermaids and selkies
Write your dreams down each morning in a midnight blue diary
Tell stories to children
Hide a dried pea under your mattress
Help an old woman you meet on your way
Place a single red rose in a vase by your bed
Spend a whole day in bed, in a pretty nightgown and wait for a kiss
Bake a gingerbread man or house
Wear a goosefeather for good luck
Eat porridge for breakfast, make sure the temperature is just right
Search for the end of a rainbow
Go dancing at midnight

my face betrays my feelings

I've realized I feel things with an intensity my face can never paint for others.
I hate not being able to understand my own feelings, cause if I can't, how will I ever be able to talk to anyone else about them?
There are several things I want to say to different people. So, without names, I'm gonna try-even if half of them never even read this-I still wanna say it the best way I can in effort to make sense of it all.

I don't even know what to say to you, cause you're the main reason I hurt everyday. I'll be glad when I never have to see you again. I know God put you in my life to save me from some great tragedy I might have shouldered, and I appreciate that. But, that's the extent of my gratitude.

I love you so much. I wish the years we were apart could be salvaged, but they cannot. I'm really happy that we get to spend time together, making new memories and I wish she could too. The three of us together for once since I left. I look up to your courageousness and hope I can gain some from being around you.

You're someone who means a lot to me. I'm not sure how to talk to you about the way I feel without being a jerk. It sucks and you know in a different way why. I'm sorry for doing this to you when you have no idea that I'm doing it to you.

I wasted three years on you. I'm tired of caring, so I've stopped, somewhat. I know that even though I've given up and say I don't care, I'll always care. You don't even know, but if you do know, well then, you're an even bigger jerk than I thought.

I miss you from time to time. I broke a promise to you though and I'll never forget that. I'm so sorry. It had to have been for the best though right? Maybe not, but I'm gonna tell myself that to make myself feel better. Wow, that's really superficial of me. I really can't even begin to figure out to make it better though. I wasn't ready for what you said and I hurt you because I was too scared to work it through my fear. I'm sorry.

I'm not sure what to think about you. You make me paranoid and confused but happy and effervescent at the same time. Shame on you, haha. It's my fault, really. I'm grasping at air and I'm not sure what to do. I need something to curve my low self-esteem I guess. I need to come back down to earth, escape this fairytale world I've been looking for so I don't get disappointed. We'll see.

Both of you have really been a staple in my life lately. Grounding me when I seem to lift off toward the moon, or sun, of which I'm not sure would be better for me. I'm so grateful for having the pleasure of knowing such brilliant, open-minded, mellow individuals such as you. I love you!

I've been growing away from you lately, and it's not good. I feel lost without you and I can't seem to shake off this feeling of slipping away for good. I wouldn't survive. I need to feel your prescence in my everyday life rather than just twice a week. I need to surround myself with good things in effort to keep my heart in your hands rather than my own. You're the reason I'm alive. You're the reason I am who I am. You're love, and everything good in this world. I never want to be parted from you.

There's a few, I'm sure I'll continue another time.