my gigantic love analogy

I was the Titanic and he was my iceberg.

I use this analogy not to convey that I didn't know it was coming, he sunk me anyway, but because I'm rather large like a boat, and he's rather hidden like the bottom 90% of a berg.


yup
that is all.

Where Did You Go Joe Demagio?

So Senior year...
wow, I'm embarking upon a new year and have expectations, of what height I'm completely unaware, and am utterly tired of what I do to myself.

I need change, I need revitalization, I need strength, I need balance, I need faith.
Sure, I'm into music heavily. Sure, I have long, flowing, Hippie hair. Sure, I'm vegetarian. Sure, I love nature and animals. Sure, I care about the environment. Sure, I feel like a badass activist on occasion. Sure, I wanna make a change in the world.
But this is all so stereotypical. I don't want to be judged, or judge others. But it happens and we all do it. But that still doesn't excuse it. But even though wanna give myself to a greater purpose, currently I have not the means, nor the logic.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry too easy. I pretend things are better than they are. I ask myself why I am the way I am. I can't honestly answer it. I try to give some petty things up. I fail at it. I want peace and love, freedom and passion. I want Taco Bell right now. I know that was random.
I feel like a fraud sometimes. I feel like I can't go on sometimes. I feel like a psycho sometimes. I feel like I have no direction sometimes. I feel the need to scream and pour my heart out sometimes. I feel like nothing can get any worse sometimes. I feel indescribably surrounded by amazingly inspired people sometimes. I feel inadequate sometimes. I feel hyper and overly enthusiastic sometimes. I feel happy sometimes.

soul-searching...status:in process of
finding love...status:dormant
persuing dreams...status:will take a while

mother superior jumped the gun

so my 9 yr old niece showed signs of racism today

setting:
Me, Maxine, Erin (5), Katie (9) and her dad Nathan at a Mexican resturaunt

dialougue:
Max- "Erin's had 4 boyfriends since the age of two"
Erin-"Alfredo is my fiance, he just moved to Mexico."
Katie-"He's Mexican?"
Maxine- "Yeah, they were upper middle class and Alfredo's dad got a better job offer back in Mexico."
Katie-"WHO WOULD LIKE A MEXICAN?"



I was FLOORED!

I can't believe she's only nine and she thinks racial differences are a plague.
I don't even know what to say

another situation
Erin was in daycare age 3 and she "loved" this boy ChuChu, a black boy from Kenya.
they were boyfriend/girlfriend and it was sweet.
one day Erin gets home and Max asks her if she and ChuChu are still in love and she said no because "someone told [her] that [she] shouldn't like him cause he's brown"

I really don't have any opinion of racists...you're gonna be who you're gonna be. But to teach your child at a young age that skin color is a difference to be frowned upon...come on people!

wish list::
clothing:
a flirty party dress
a sun dress
cuffed shorts
bathing suit
a flowy skirt
dressy shirt
casual shirt
crazy tights
yoga pants
dressy tank top
cardigan
cropped sweater
blazer
vest
hoodie
sandals
heels
colorful kicks
hippie band
heavy bangle
charm necklace
thick ring

entertainment::
Charlene Harris Book Series
Anita Blake Book Series
True Blood Boxset
Supernatural Boxset
Roswell Season 3 Boxset
My So Called Life Boxset
Dawson's Creek Boxset
new purple 16GB iPod

what I am is what I am

Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion, is a smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
i know what I know if you know what I mean

Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks
Religion, is a light in the fog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know if you know what I mean
Do ya

Hate to See You Go

Well, graduation is Friday and I'm sad that all these amazing people are leaving. It's odd to think of school without older kids ha.

Mainly I'm overwhelmed and lost in many areas. The bottling of all these emotions and over analyzed, yet unprocessed, thoughts are tiresome. I'm feeling the emptiness now, not just cause this is a transition period for me, but because I'm slowly loosing hope. I've never been this lost in faith before and it's unsettling.
Some realizations for this post:
People annoy me. Love has a twisted sense of humor. I'm in too deep. Tears are hot and cold. Life continues in spite of what choices are made. Time strengthens and weakens.

Do You Realize

Well, today I was driving home listening to a mixed CD and the song Do You Realize by The Flaming Lips came on, and I began to cry. The lyrics I have heard multiple times really seemed to have struck home with my feelings lately. I'd like to share these words.

Do you realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do you realize - we're floating in space

Do you realize - that happiness makes you cry

Do you realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize - Oh - Oh - Oh

Do you realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do you realize



I've also noticed, though obviously slowly transforming into who I am supposed to be, the process has dramatically sped up. Even my choice of music that soothes the current funk I'm in has changed from my usual to more earthy, soulful, raw emotion/talent songs. I'm growing up and I guess I did not fully realize it till now, with less than two weeks left of my junior year of highschool.