oh great.

way to go me. I'm not even sure that one describes what I'm feeling at the moment. so, I'll make myself a list::
frustrated
overwhelmed
ignorant
bewildered
aware
tired
disappointed
scared
childish
dramatic
ridiculous...this one seems to be a trend
foolish
and jerk-like

*Moe Jurphy

*name has been changed for protection by request

This one's for you since I'm now aware of the fact that you stalk my blog!
haha

Things that remind me of you/greatest things about you/things I'm grateful for::
You once made me the most incredible birthday card ever and I'm keeping it forever but I think at the end of the year you should update the list inside [:
Macaroni and Cheese, what can I say.
Jim and Pam ahhhh!!!!
You put up with my obsession with your sparkle-eyes brother for a year! and never complained [:
We've had some stellar Facebook conversations.
That "that's what she said" comment yesterday...well it was the best ever!
On that note your right hand will forever gross me out haha
I hate you for laughing at me in art for the mask/claustrophobia thing, but love you for being the best sculpture buddy ever!
The fact that Mrs. Batchelor is in love with you cause you write so well.
Stolen hands and stares in the stairways!!
Our countless plans for the future [:
Our constant "this sucks!" issue and how much it really does suck but how that message you sent me made it all better for a minute.
How awesome our horror movie scripts and life-as-a-movie character planning is!
ummm, there's a ton more but you already know

Songs/movies that remind me of you::
the Braveheart theme song [:
countless disney songs
I just died in your arms tonight
the brave little toaster...haha I'll explain later
the Chronicles of Narnia:Price Caspian!!
ummmm, yeah
now onto some deep stuff::

I figured I'd close by sharing some proverbial wisdom and cheesey friendship quotes haha [:
" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb
"Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship."
- Cicero
"And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit."
-Gibran
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
-C.S. Lewis

You're the best friend I've ever had, Moe Jurphy.
Know that.
[:

Dear Oscar Wilde,

I love your words.
Sincerely, A Hopeless Romantic


Roses And Rue

Could we dig up this long-buried treasure,
Were it worth the pleasure,
We never could learn love's song,
We are parted too long.

Could the passionate past that is fled
Call back its dead,
Could we live it all over again,
Were it worth the pain!

I remember we used to meet
By an ivied seat,
And you warbled each pretty word
With the air of a bird;

And your voice had a quaver in it,
Just like a linnet,
And shook, as the blackbird's throat
With its last big note;

And your eyes, they were green and grey
Like an April day,
But lit into amethyst
When I stooped and kissed;

And your mouth, it would never smile
For a long, long while,
Then it rippled all over with laughter
Five minutes after.

You were always afraid of a shower,
Just like a flower:
I remember you started and ran
When the rain began.

I remember I never could catch you,
For no one could match you,
You had wonderful, luminous, fleet,
Little wings to your feet.

I remember your hair - did I tie it?
For it always ran riot -
Like a tangled sunbeam of gold:
These things are old.

I remember so well the room,
And the lilac bloom
That beat at the dripping pane
In the warm June rain;

And the colour of your gown,
It was amber-brown,
And two yellow satin bows
From your shoulders rose.

And the handkerchief of French lace
Which you held to your face -
Had a small tear left a stain?
Or was it the rain?

On your hand as it waved adieu
There were veins of blue;
In your voice as it said good-bye
Was a petulant cry,

'You have only wasted your life.'
(Ah, that was the knife!)
When I rushed through the garden gate
It was all too late.

Could we live it over again,
Were it worth the pain,
Could the passionate past that is fled
Call back its dead!

Well, if my heart must break,
Dear love, for your sake,
It will break in music, I know,
Poets' hearts break so.

But strange that I was not told
That the brain can hold
In a tiny ivory cell
God's heaven and hell.

oh Icarus,

you should've known better than to have made your wings out of wax.

I've always said I'm never gonna be the girl that waits by the phone. I am now.
It's absolutely perplexing. I know I shouldn't have these wax wings. How do I know, you ask? Cause not only do I find myself checking my phone for texts, I also am drawn to Shania Twain. It's insanity!!

ha, geez.
Now I know what he means when he tells me it sucks. I let go of someone only to be caught up in something new, but that hinges on the previous statement. It's a vicious circle. I'm holding on to the idea that after my birthday I'll have some clarity. Getting away from this terrible excuse for a home life will clear up the fog, give me freedom at last. I'm counting the days, except not really, cause that's a lot of days. Let's just say I'm counting down.

to do: finish both Palahnuik books and return to Billie, rent Still Walking, stop procrastinating Physics homework, get a fall formal dress, become less addicted to sappy love ballads (ha! never gonna happen,) become less awkward, work on my confidence, and stop flying so close to the sun with these damn wax wings on.
'

"Who you are moment to moment is just a story"

-Palahnuik

I'm loving stories [: I'm wanting to hear more. Tell me something.

Fall break has been...really wonderful. If I didn't have to deal with the things my parents have been badgering me with, it could have been perfect. I met someone who is rather grand, and we've spent hours talking to one another. We also spent some alone time together [: I needed this. I've also decided that I'm too involved to forget it, so I'm waiting. It's a lovely thing, really. It's happening for a reason. It's an adventure. It's about time I've had one.

Going Forward Back in Time

I wrote this well over a year ago, but looking through my computer files I found it. It still describes how I feel. It wasn't about anyone specific. I just, felt some longing and wrote it.

Sunday, April 27, 2008
Why can't you just
hold near to me, relieve my fears
feel my heart cry, stop these tears
pull me to your resonating light
heal these broken wings, help me take flight
stop my heart from breaking, hold me when I cry
make sure you know my love for you will never die
make my mask of doubt be unveiled by your embrace tonight
piant on the canvas of my soul, making me anew, colors bold and bright
tug softly on my dreams in a fight to make them real
ignite my desires launching an escape of my surroundings that have become so surreal
open up to me revealing all about your deepest crime
so then my trust tempered, I know if I fall, you'll catch me one more time
I need
you here to calm me as my time to die draws near
I need you to help cool me down when fate's fire begins to sear
You'll have to
make believe with me I'll beat the storm weathering down on me
make believe with me so my spirit can be eternally free
Do this because
in dark circles surrounding, you'll have to break the mold
if you don't you'll die like me, your story forever untold
It feels like
those flames burning inside are too hot for me to bare
not returned by you I close my eyes, too deep in my despair
in a whirlwind of lost love, regret, and the shattered pieces of my heart
hope fades away with every step you take, as we grow evermore apart.
You need to know
as the choices that I've made, make my life a legend to all
these lessons you must learn from me, you have to trust, but be careful of who makes you fall

When Doves Cry

So I'm stressed out, but I feel like I should take the time to amuse myself by sharing these tidbits with you [:

First off, if you would like to see a film saturated with decadent colors and cultures, I suggest you go rent The Fall. It's lovely, and if you're as emotionally engaging as I am-which I doubt cause I'm probably the biggest crybaby ever, be prepared to cry, cry, cry, oh, yeah, and cry some more.
While on the subject of movies, let's hop on the train over to Pretty in Pink. I was thinking the other day that Steff-if you haven't seen this movie, a plague on your house! jk, but seriously, actually wants Andy for himself and when Blane tells Steff that Andy "thinks [he's] shit"-'shit' here being negative, not like "you're the shit man!." This shows me that he cares enough about her to care what she thinks of him and tries to separate Andy and Blane thinking that if he can't have her, then no one can.
I guess the entertainment kick will come to an end with my thoughts on Jon and Kate Plus 8 and how it is now continuing on as Kate Plus 8. My thought:WTF??!! I'm so torn up about it cause I had been watching it religiously up until the postponing of the newest season. OMG! And now Kate is saying that Jon funneled $230,000 out of the $231,000 they had in savings from the show!!! I'm not gonna pick sides, I think neither of them is at fault-they are simply victims of circumstance and it's just the way it is. I'm not sure if I'll continue to watch the newly retitled show though...not just yet.

On to more deep matters. I've decided I want a tattoo of a Shakespeare quote in fancy script writing. I don't know where yet, but I know which quote I want:
"Doubt the stars are fire,
doubt the sun doth move,
doubt truth to be a liar,
but never doubt thy love."
[:
Also, I've found that as much as I love to love, Fate seems to be gaining some twisted pleasure out of my distress. She's pulling the already frayed fibers of the sweater that is my life like a kitten tugging at the loose end of a ball of yarn. There's nothing you can do about it though, I guess.
I think sometimes that I wish things were simpler, like when I was under the age of 10 and thought of boys as snotty creatures infested with cooties, like when Hannah Coffey and I had matching Chinese bead bracelets that symbolized our eternal friendship, like when I didn't know what perverse things were. But, then again, those times of ignorant bliss were just that...ignorant. I'd be missing out on loving a boy, growing in a circle of friends, knowing what things could get me into trouble. I'd be ignorant. I'd be stagnant. I'd be useless. So, it all comes down to not regretting anything. Rolling with the punches, but maintaining my ground. Growing as an individual, as a part of society, as a tiny part of the world. Me.